Your rear fenders have lots of dings OUTWARD from tools and spare parts flying around in the trunk when you corner.

Your car has the "keyless entry" feature: Both locks are broken and unusable.

You wipe spilled oil off the valve cover with a rag, and then you wipe excess wheel bearing grease off your hand on the fender.

You double the book value of your car when you fill the tank.

You are really upset that you scratched the edges of your Coleman canoe because you didn't put a blanket on the roof of your car when you carried it up there to the lake.

Nobody wants to steal it or even brush up against it.

It was stolen once and found two blocks away, on the same street.

Curbs are minor inconveniences and in no way limit the paved surfaces your car has access to.

You remove the snow from your car with the same metal shovel you cleared the driveway with.

Ten to 15 pounds of road salt on the car doesn't faze you; in fact, you think it looks kinda cool.

You drive through an exclusive section of town and the cops ALWAYS follow you.

After you nail a particularly nasty pothole, your first impulse is to see if you bent a wheel and your second impulse is to make sure no chunks of sheet metal are missing.

The keys haven't been out of the ignition for more than a year.

Your car uses more "other" fluids than gasoline.

The cost to fill the tank is more than your yearly excise tax.

At your local car club show, you easily win the "Best Use of Body Fillers and Assorted Adhesives" class every year.

Ten seconds after shifting into park it backfires so loudly that everyone in a half-block radius hits the deck. You have the timing of this backfire down pat: as you walk away, you turn and face "shooting" at your car with a "gun hand" just as it backfires.

You think you can get "another hundred thousand out of it easy."

You give it away when you are done with it.

You CAN'T give it away when you are done with it.

You will never BE done with it.

You really like the tires on the car because "they hold air."

After a minor fender bender with a lamppost some of the stuff that was stuck or broken starts working again.

You got drunk once and "waxed" it with a bucket of industrial floor polish and a mop. It didn't bother you the next day; in fact, in hindsight you were kind of proud of thinking that up.

The kids use it for a backstop when playing baseball.

You are on retainer as a consultant for 3M's duct tape division.

You use the oil from your dipstick rag to clean bugs off your windshield.

You have a total of six lug nuts still performing their intended function.

Your idea of a "theftproof" gas cap is to snake a tie-wrap through the rag.

A small field mouse has moved into the hole where the trunk lock used to be.

Your car gets "keyed" and you try to make a design out of the scratch with YOUR keys.